The Ultimate Guide to Finding “the One,” According to Relationship Expert Stephan Speaks

Everyone wants to find that special person to share their life with. We all want that soulmate that accepts us, quirks and all — a partner whom we can share our hopes, fears, and adventures with. But the dating world has changed so much in the past couple of years, and it seems so difficult to find people we share chemistry with.

How do we find Mr. or Ms. Right instead of Mr. or Ms. Right Now? Worse yet, how do we ensure they aren’t Mr. or Ms. Totally Wrong?

As luck would have it, relationship expert and friend of Greatness Stephan Labossiere, better known as Stephan Speaks, has shared with us a lot of his insights into finding the right person Stephan has been a guest on many episodes of our Greatness podcast, digging into how to build strong relationships and be the best version of yourself that you can be. In this article, we’ve compiled Stephan’s thoughts and advice into the Ultimate Guide for finding “the One” for you!

Who Is Stephan Speaks?

Stephan Speaks is a certified relationship coach, speaker, and author with almost two million Instagram followers and over a million YouTube subscribers. Stephan has made it his mission to help couples understand each other and themselves better to build stronger relationships. He gears his advice towards both men and women, acknowledging that each has different perspectives when it comes to relationships.

Stephan has written numerous books on relationships, tackling almost every aspect of love, from dealing with breakups or being single to better understanding your partner and marriage. In 2022, he embarked on the multi-city Best of Me tour, educating attendees on what he sees as the five main keys to being the best version of yourself.

With an international following of singles and couples alike, the name Stephan Speaks is associated with breaking down relationship barriers, pushing past the ways people represent themselves to potential partners, and getting to the true people behind the facades. It is his goal to bring a real understanding of relationships to everyone he encounters.

Why Is Finding Someone So Difficult?

Stephan believes that there are many challenges to finding love in the modern age. Your parents or grandparents have probably told you the story of meeting each other countless times. Maybe they got introduced by friends while out in a group, or maybe your dad talked about approaching your mom in a bar and buying her a drink.

Stephan feels the rise of online dating and especially notices how social media has created a dating landscape that is tough to navigate. The challenges go beyond just the diminishing in-person socializing that past generations put at the center of their courtship process. 

“I used to be someone that said, ‘social media is not the problem. It’s people, social media simply exposes the issue.’ [While] I still believe that I have come to a place of seeing how evil social media can be, how much damage it can cause, but not just simply the negativity it pours into people’s relationships — but the expectations that it sets in different ways, like men forgetting what an average woman looks like because they’re looking at [Instagram] models all day. Women are forgetting that not every guy has a million dollars that can shower you with a ridiculous amount of gifts.” – Stephan Speaks

The rise of social media and online dating has created a minefield of unrealistic expectations and pitfalls in finding a potential partner. Beyond the ideals reflected on Instagram of lavish lifestyles or exceptional beauty, there’s also the other side of the coin that prompted MTV to create a show called Catfish: people misrepresenting themselves online and luring others into relationships under false pretenses. 

While not everyone is falling for the illusions presented online, a lot of people are, and it’s impacting people’s ability to properly appreciate relationships. There are so many different ways of interacting with each other compared to the past that it’s almost overwhelming. Beyond life being so vastly different now, these illusions can be enhanced by the experiences and traumas that we all carry with us. 

Love connections go far beyond just finding a partner to share a long-term relationship with or someone you’re attracted to. Finding “the One” is more about finding that person you’re compatible with and, if you can find that person, you will be happy!

Connection vs. Chemistry

It can be easy to find signs of chemistry with another.  When you have chemistry with someone, you feel like you can be more your true self, putting you at a greater sense of ease with them. Signs of sharing chemistry with someone are the stereotypical ones of being “in love”: accelerated heart rate, shaky knees, or the old “butterflies in the stomach” feeling.

“Chemistry is the art of getting along and flowing with each other. Chemistry can be created — it can be destroyed. Yes, some people have instant chemistry, but just as it was [created], it can also be broken instantly.” – Stephan Speaks

Having a connection with someone else can be a similar concept when it comes to relationships, showing signs that the person might be a more viable partner. Maybe you share similar upbringings, experiences, or interests. These shared traits can build a sense of attraction to that person as you find you have so much in common that the connection becomes almost undeniable. 

“Connection sets the stage for everything else — if you have a connection, you will be able to have chemistry and compatibility.” – Stephan Speaks

Compatibility is a deeper and more logical link between two people than a simple connection. Signs of compatibility would be a couple’s ability to get along, negotiate, compromise, problem solve, set and respect each other’s boundaries, and work together as a team. These are all hallmarks of a solid long-term relationship shared with a partner, not just someone you live with. While compatibility is great, it’s not necessarily an indicator that you’ve found “the One,” according to Stephan.

“When two people are alone with each other, it doesn’t always hit. This is why an online dating site can match two people together that are compatible on paper, but in person, it doesn’t always play out the same because the chemistry, or more importantly, the connection is missing.” – Stephan Speaks

When You Know, You Know

Stephan makes a valuable point when he says that a connection is something that cannot be created or destroyed. Connection is either there or it’s not — there’s nothing you can do to force a connection with another person.

“Connection is your spirit recognizing its match. It is something that is happening beneath the surface. This is why many people who have felt a connection can’t always explain it. It’s just there, you just feel something with this person. It’s so much deeper than anything you’ve ever felt. You can be compatible with tons of people. You can have chemistry with tons of people. You do not feel a connection with a bunch of people.” – Stephan Speaks

Stephan believes if you surveyed people about whether they’ve had a connection in their life, the majority would say it’s a one-time occurrence. The old adage of the soulmate is based on this feeling people have that there is one perfect match out there for them.

Recognizing when you feel a connection to someone will let you know that you may very well have found “the One.” Your heart and mind will give you signs of the connection and Stephan says all you need to do is listen.

“I am a firm believer that you can’t have an amazing relationship, at least long term, without connection. A lot of people get by that initial hype … but that’s not going to sustain you. Is there something deeper there? Can you two truly be yourselves with each other and open up, share your inner thoughts, and be emotionally naked with this person? Trust your intuition… Without that, it’s just fluff.” – Stephan Speaks

Learn More from Stephan Speaks!

Stephan has so much more to share when it comes to not just relationships but also about how to be your best self and more. He has sat down with us to discuss his views many times, and you can check out our two-part podcast about relationships and healing here (Part One, Part Two). He also gives his insights into what he sees as the secrets of attraction and more about finding “the One” in this episode.

If you haven’t even been on the first date with your potential soulmate, our article First-Date Questions That Go Beyond Surface Level can give you some deeper conversation starters. Additionally, you might be able to draw “the One” to you after reading our article, How to Attract Your Soulmate, where Matthew Hussey, British life coach and dating expert, explains how a relationship has four phases and shares them with you.

Find your connection and find your greatness!